good old fanky malloon – posed for a picture at his favorite vacation spot, Casa Bonita.
never thought at the age of 29 i’d be listening to a new Mudhoney song.
we finished another tour. we licked the plate of life clean. it was…easier on us in a lot of ways. easier on the van because of no fucking mountains that scare the shit out of flatlanders like us. easier on me because i didn’t get my arm ripped open on a nail in a basement or my jaw dislocated and learned how to warm up my voice (seriously, do this). easier on our wallets because of pockets of losers who like losers with instruments and buy their shirts and 7″s
kinda at the point where i just want to do a tour and only stop in cities that people skip. do a whole Flying Saucer Tour, to quote Bill Hicks. not that we don’t like playing in big cities, but big cities have an interesting way of expressing their gratitude or appreciation. the do the shit i’m guilty of – standing around, nodding your head in the back. maybe yell some Weird Al song titles if you’re really on your game. but people in overlooked places seem to do dumb shit like swing from pieces of carpet from rafters and spray paint “fuck you” on their chests.
anyhow, we had fun and the only real bad thing that happened was that my hip got dislocated in New Orleans, causing me to lean on a broken bannister piece outside of a club that was forcefully overtaken by Pink Floyd’s “Echoes”. i ended up going to a chiropractor who agreed to adjust me on a Sunday for $60. not a miracle, but i’ll take it.
i’ll end this precursor meandering to the real meandering by encouraging you to listen to Pregnancy Scares’ last record on Deranged. came out around the same time as Fuck You Forever but kinda kicks our records ass.
what the fuck is with this video, though? was this filmed at a show or one of those “show reenactment” music videos? hmm.
we woke up and drove, in case you couldnt figure it out from those pictures. the terrain was dirt colored and stupid. undoubtedly we stopped at many stupid places and many stupid gas stations. i wrote “little america – fantastically slow” – another mysterious note that escapes me while compiling a tour journal over six months after a tour. but here is a great picture of a gas station and joel.
joel also bought these fucking nuts. i dont know what they are but we all couldnt stop eating them. that doesn’t mean they were good – mind you. they weren’t.
i have ordered from the company that makes them, called “Nutty Guys“. the company name makes me want to commit violence. just dont buy these nuts. and yes i am also thinking “deez nuts” in case you were, too.
you can also buy a fucking Pavarotti cassette tape for six bucks in this part of the country.
we soldiered on, listening to what i call “Danny Shithead’s Tales from the Road” which are his miscellaneous stories about going to various gas stations. after driving for probably ten to twelve hours total, we got to Denver. Denver is also Dan’s favorite city. Denver also has Dan’s brother who helps me continue believing that everyone in Dan’s family is the best. Denver also has a bar called The Satire Lounge where the server is in love with Mark Masters from Negative Degree and calls him some name like “Snookie Beaver” or something equally insane.
Denver also has a place called Casa Bonita. let me tell you about Casa Bonita – this place is not a fucking joke. yes, i know South Park apparently made an episode about Casa Bonita. but Casa Bonita is not a funny place. Casa Bonita is not a cool place. Casa Bonita is not a place you go “just to experience”, unless you also do things like drive nails into your genitals “just to experience” the sensation.
we arrived and all contemplated turning around. the hostess was apathetic and shrugged, kinda indicating that she wasn’t impressed by the joint. understandable for anyone who works anywhere, truly. but eventually, i ponied up the money and decided to cover people “just to experience” Casa Bonita. and the fucking place sucks.
ever been to a giant mexican restaurant run by white people? this is the whitest, worst, shittiest place in the world. they have a gimmick which is that there some some man-made waterfall where some poorly paid olympic reject dives off of and into a pool. there are “actors” which perform skits that no one pays attention to. and there is the blandest food ever. and it costs like, fucking $10. there is nothing good about Casa Bonita. do not go. there were also future fratboys there. high schoolers. idiots. fuck you
after our dumb fucking meal, we all got sick. i threw up on the side of a building next to the place we were playing. i also felt my stomach trembling in terror. luckily the place we were playing, The Mouth House, was the only house ive ever been to that is BYOTP. Bring Your Own Toilet Paper.
see, though – that “luckily” shit was a sarcastic joke. you get it? because i was not lucky because i ate at casa bonita and it fucked up my stomach.
so i booked it to a 7/11 and used their bathroom. i think i may have gone back later that night and done it again. i also had to take a shit at the Mouth House, the house that expects fucking touring bands to bring their own toilet paper. so i ended up having to use the little American flag that Dan in Oakland stole off of a grave as toilet paper. punk rock
the rest of the night was good. there were a lot of normal dumb pricks like us so we felt a little more at home. we set up merch on the stove and sold shit in the dimly lit kitchen. Nose Bled was good and i think i bought their cassette (which im sure is lost) for $5 or something dumb. Gravetorn sounded like Entombed. we played our set and joel bit me in the face because someone pushed me into him or something and he interpreted it as aggression because he has the brain of an alligator that can do theoretical mathematics.
have you ever been bitten in the face? it is scary. so i freaked out and we fought for a bit. but we continued our set and had fun, then relaxed and watched Negative Degree finish tearing up the already trashed house.
i also met famous award winning director Daniel Schneidkraut’s sister, who was cool. i believe she told me more stories of Dan beating up assholes, which is one of Dan’s hobbies aside from listening to hardcore and metal and making movies. i did a movie with Dan a few years back called Invincible Force which was fucked up. google it and buy it if youre curious. it won a film festival in Hamburg, Germany.
i dont remember anything about the rest of the evening and i cant remember where we slept. but i took one more odd picture.
mark masters is also posting on facebook right now on the RETOX band page. here is what RETOX is:
CMON MARK